#32: The ebbs and flows of burnout: a visit from my shadow companion
When the body says no go-go-go, no more
In 2020, I experienced a radical, debilitating burnout. It changed my understanding of what was physically and mentally possible for me to achieve. The 'how to' of my doing and being.
Though the work I've engaged in over the years since, I've come to understand my deep-rooted conditioning. A mix of perfectionism, productivity addition and high achiever programming. Someone who outsourced how well she's doing by placing her value and self-worth outside of herself.
Let's just say, it's an ongoing work-in-progress. It takes time to unravel a lifetime of bad patterning to integrate a stronger, evolved mindset, and better habits and processes.
I recently touched sides again with my over-achieving self.
I was engrossed in a rigorous writing course, with two weeks of super-charged activity still to go. I felt the familiar presence of my burnout companion; an inter-locking of disconnection and deep exhaustion.
Here's what I observed:
I felt exhausted every time I opened my laptop, but pushed through fatigue and other, telling sensations
I became sedentary; engaged with myself on a mostly mental plane and fell out of my exercise routine
I started engaging in 'easy-reach' emotional eating because I didn't have capacity to think about and prepare healthy meals
I wasn't being present for myself or my real life; I had dissociated and focused only on what I was trying to achieve
I was over-riding my intuition and falling into patterning that no longer serves me and is not sustainable
I noticed myself slipping into negative internal commentary; creating undermining, judging and self-doubting narratives
I immediately fell ill after the course; my body telling me to stop and drop everything, to re-calibrate and reflect on my behaviour
You can't deny the body when it gives you this ultimate answer.
Falling out of, what felt like, 4th-gear momentum was incredibly frustrating. I've had no choice but to surrender and honour my health, both physical and mental. To create spacious space.
I'm reminded, again, not everything has to be done in a day - week - month. Time is actually my friend, not my enemy. I can perform better from a place of balance; connected to my body and practising self-awareness.
The world can wait.
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